One of the most difficult things to accept in this life is that we are completely responsible for what we feel. It may not seem like it, but if we look deeply into the nature of reality, we will see this truth. People around us engage in all kinds of actions. Some of them please us and some of them don’t. But how you feel should never confused with what they have done.
You, and you alone, are responsible for feeling sad, angry, hurt or happy.
Hold on and get burned
Holding on to anger is one of the ways we allow others to affect what we feel. Yet the Buddha said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of harming another; you end up getting burned.”
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of harming another; you end up getting burned.”
When we understand forgiveness properly, we see that it is a gift for us, and has nothing to do with them. We forgive so that we can let go and be happy, unburdened by our anger. As I’ve heard many times in Buddhist circles, “Forgiveness is giving up the hope of a better past”.
“Forgiveness is giving up the hope of a better past”.
Most people resist forgiveness because of two simple misunderstandings. They think that by forgiving you have to
- keep your relationship with the person (or lower your boundaries)
- forgive the act
Forgiveness and boundaries
We can still forgive someone, and keep our boundaries in tact. For example, you may decide that a particular relationship is no longer supportive to your life. The person has demonstrated multiple breaches of your standards: such as lying, abuse, or other kinds of harmful behaviour.
You may actively forgive this person each and every day, and also end the friendship. As a buddhist mentor of mine told me years ago, “always maintain enough distance to keep compassion in your heart; even if that distance is complete”.
Forgive the person, not the act
It is NOT the ACT that if forgivable. When a man or woman rapes or kills child, we can never, and should never, condone that act. Such violence and atrocities of the world are truly unforgivable.
It is the PERSON that we forgive. We look deeply into their humanity and understand that he or she is a student of life, doing the best they can. They may have been raped, beaten and bruised as a child, and their abusers before them too.
To have peace in our hearts, we must see the truth that every person is doing the very best they can with the hand they are dealt, even if it doesn’t seem so to us.
“every person is doing the very best they can with the hand they are dealt”
At first, this may be difficult to grasp or believe, but as we begin to say the phrases that I share below, you will slowly feel their truth. And as you let go of the coal that you’re trying to throw, the very one that burns you, you will feel the joyful release of your burdens.
The Buddha taught a formal practice, in which we offer forgiveness in three ways. These are the personal phrases that I use:
Formal Forgiveness Practice
To Self
For the ways that I have harmed myself, knowingly or unknowingly, through thought, word, or action, I forgive myself. For I am a student of life, doing the best I can, and I recognise my humanity.
You can also say this in the third person depending on your preferences and what feels more meaningful i.e. Your name, for the ways that I have harmed you, knowingly or unknowingly…
Pause, let it sink in. Repeat as many times as you feel you need to until you get a sense of believing it. Notice what comes up.
From self to other (asking for forgiveness)
Person…. For the ways that I have harmed you, knowingly or unknowingly, through thought, word, or action, please forgive me. For I am a student of life, doing the best I can, and I recognise my humanity.
Pause, let it sink in. Repeat as many times as you feel you need to until you get a sense of believing it. Stay with the same person if you want, or move to a new person if you fell the first is complete. Notice what comes up.
From other to self (extending forgiveness)
Person… For the ways that you have harmed me, knowingly or unknowingly, through thought, word, or action, I forgive you. For you are a student of life, doing the best you can, and I recognise your humanity.
Pause, let it sink in. Repeat as many times as you feel you need to until you get a sense of believing it. Stay with the same person if you want, or move to a new person if you fell the first is complete.
Notice what comes up. If you get a super strong reaction, its best not to continue this practice for that person. Find something easier (see below).
Also notice that it is very easy to see that you are a student of life doing the best you can when you’re asking for forgiveness. By repeating this phrase again when your extending forgiveness to someone else, we begin to see the truth that we are all doing the best we can. This is the most transformative part of the practice.
How to practice
To practice, find a quiet place to sit. Focus on the breath for a minute or so to ground and centre yourself. In the beginning, it will be difficult to remember the phrases so it’s best to have them written down. It will feel weird and clunky for a while, but soon you will remember them easily and it will start to flow.
I recommend committing to a time you can do this every single day, for example 5 minutes a day at the end of the day, for a period of ____ weeks/months. Consistency over time is what creates transformation.
Start with easy things, like the barista who messed up your coffee last week, or the guy that cut you off on the freeway today. Like any new thing, don’t start with the hardest thing first. Get the muscle developed before going after your parents! (Seriously, this is important!)
I truly hope this practice will enrich your life as it has mine. Learning to forgive releases your bound heart and mind, so love and joy can rush in to fill the space.
Wherever you are in the world,
I hope you’re letting go.
Love,
Kate
