According to Tony Robbins (arguably the greatest mindset and strategy coach of our time), we all have six core needs. Four of them are personality needs: Certainty, variety, significance, and love (or connection). We will do anything to see these first four of the core needs met, even undermine our own moral and ethical standards.
The other two are needs of the spirit, and not everyone will feel the pull to meet these. These two core needs are growth and contribution, and if you do get the calling, you’ll be suckered in for life.
Understanding how you meet these core needs, and which ones you put above the others can bring an epic kind of clarity to your life. In this blog I’ll share with you a story of what can happen when the core needs are unconsciously steering our lives, compared with how we can use them resourcefully to enrich our life.
I’ll share with you a description of each core need so you can shine the light of awareness on your own existence, and start living with more power and clarity. At the end, I’ve created an awesome journalling exercise that you can do to feel into your own core needs.
Let’s start with a story:
When I lived in California, I had the perfect life. No really, I know lots of people say that, but I really did.
I’m going to be honest for a sec, I was making 6 figures a year in a job that gave me insane amounts of time off. And since my retirement was set (If I had worked till 55, I would have retired with 90% of my highest years wage for the rest of my life), I didn’t have to worry about saving.
Instead, I used all of my money to travel and adventure. I owned beautiful brand new Tacoma’s (the equivalent of a Hilux here in Australia), and I bought pretty much whatever the hell I wanted. I had a HUGE circle of kick-ass, nourishing and supportive friends, and we adventured all over the mountains together. When we weren’t kayaking, skiing, or biking in the Sierra Nevada’s, we were planning trips out to burning man, overseas, or creating fun night’s out at our local.
It was. AWESOME.
And then, slowly, I started to not love it so much. I couldn’t really explain what I was feeling. Eventually, despite all logic, I left it behind.
What? Why?
Because I couldn’t see how the core needs ran my life, I didn’t understand what was happening. It was very confusing, walking around with the constant desire to shake things up, and thinking something was always wrong. You see, I mistook my boredom for unhappiness, and that’s why I was looking for something new. I assumed that because I wasn’t feeling content, I had to leave.
The Six Core Needs
Now, understanding the six core needs, I get what was happening. I value one of these human needs a little higher than the others. I bet you’ve already guessed which need, right? Yep, it’s variety.
According to Tony these core needs are the force behind all that we do. How we value those core needs and in what order, determines how we direct our life. As a result, we’ll do anything, even leave a perfect life, if a core need is not being met. And to someone who values variety above all else, staying in a job for 25 years can feel really, really stifling.
Go ahead now and take look at the core needs for yourself, and then below are some questions that you can contemplate or journal on. (The following is quoted directly from a great article on the core needs I found on medium)
“1. Certainty
We have a deep need for certainty in life — we crave stability in our relationships, health, and financial wellbeing. We do not want to be unpleasantly surprised when it comes to the things we hold most dear.
2. Variety
At the same time, we need surprises and adventure in life. We do not want to be bored by experiencing the same predictable things every single day.
3. Significance
We also have a deep need to stand out and be visible to other people. We want to avoid being invisible and irrelevant, no matter what it takes.
4. Love/Connection
Beyond having significance to others, we also have a deep need to be connected and loved for who we are. We do not want to be left disconnected, alone, and unappreciated.
5. Growth
Even if these first four needs are being met, we still need to feel like we are always growing and making progress. We do not want to feel like we are standing still, or stagnating.
6. Contribution
Perhaps most importantly (and subtly), we also have an intense need to contribute to something greater than ourselves. We simply need to share what we have with others to get the most fulfilment out of life. Our talents and belongings do little to help us if we keep them just to ourselves.”
Furthermore, we can meet each of the six core needs resourcefully or un-resourcefully.
When I was in California, I fulfilled my need for variety by changing things up constantly, but I never quite understood the driving force. This meant I was left with feelings of shame around not ever being satisfied, that I wasn’t like everyone else, and that I didn’t want to settle down.
Now that I understand myself, I intentionally create variety in my life. I embrace who I am and what I need with love and compassion. I plan trips to different places, sometimes camping and sleeping under the stars, sometimes nights out in the bustling city, and sometimes soft meditation or yoga events where I can have intellectual conversations. These are all resourceful ways to meet variety, while fully accepting who I am.
Exercise Time
Grab a journal (and a coffee?), and take some time to mull over the following questions. Answering them will help you to see what drives your life:
How do you fulfil your need for certainty/comfort?
-in resourceful ways (example: owning a home, supporting your marriage, keeping a steady job)
-in un-resourceful ways (example: staying in a job or relationship you’ve hated for years, because you don’t want to risk change)
How do you fulfil your need for uncertainty/variety?
-in resourceful ways (example: planning fun trips, choosing a career that offers variety within it)
-in un-resourceful ways (example: drug use, crime, leaving fulfilling careers over and over, bailing on responsibility etc)
How do you fulfil your need for significance?
-in resourceful ways (example: becoming a great leader, writing a book, creating an amazing business, serving others)
-in un-resourceful ways (example: seeking power, dominance, belittling others, talking loudly, not listening etc)
How do you fulfil your need for Love/connection?
-in resourceful ways (example: surrounding yourself with loving healthy relationships)
-in un-resourceful ways (example: staying in an abusive or unsatisfying relationship because you fear being alone and dis-connected; taking any connection instead of waiting for “real” love, ie settling)
**Consider: are you someone who requites contribution and growth in order to feel fulfilled in your life? If so, how do you plan to do this?
You can see a You Tube Video of Tony’s Six Core Needs HERE
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