All my life, I’ve wanted something else. A new city. A different boyfriend. A better job. I’ve also lived a pretty epic life, and for most of it, I’ve been above average happy.
When I look back into the past, I am often overwhelmed with nostalgia and gratitude for how incredible each part of my life has been. Yet, I have a reoccurring pattern of standing in the present with only half a gaze… the other half peeking over the fence, looking for a brighter shade of green.
Yet as much as I’ve looked, the grass isn’t greener on the other side.
So much of life is focussed on going after what we want. Yet, all of what we want would be available, in an instant, were we to love what we have. We all know this in theory, right? But why is it so hard to put into action?
In what areas of your life are you looking for greener grass? What are you not appreciating right now?
These questions came to me last week as I was sitting on a dear friend’s balcony overlooking the Sierra Nevada Foothills. I was sipping on a Gingerberry Kombucha, the sun setting…
And I was thinking about the little house I left behind in Sydney.
Wait… what was I doing missing what I left behind? I’d practically ran out of there like it was the worst place ever, longing for something new and better, longing for a place that would take away the pain of losing Bobo.
I had been convinced that life was really hard. Yet now, my mind was full of fondness, almost weeping, for the loss of it.
And…my mind was still trying to convince itself that life is currently really hard. (Ya know: poor me, running away from the death of my dog… poor me, missing my sweet little house… poor me with no real direction… poor me…poor me…)
Poor me?
What the hell?
LUCKY ME would be a far more accurate thought to have… Life isn’t hard at all. Life is f#@king awesome. I have nowhere to be, nothing to do. The only thing I have to answer to is this laptop I’m currently writing on, and even then, only on the timeline that I decide.
I have endless options. I am supporting myself. The world is literally available for exploration. I am, actually, a digital nomad.
I am doing something I truly love, every single day. I’m writing. And you’re reading. And that’s been my dream for years. As soon as I hit publish on this wordpress site, I am by definition a published author. (YAY!)
Where is the grass greener than that?
I’m already living the dream, yet somehow overlooking it.
In what ways are you already living your dream? (And not appreciating it?)
I know this isn’t just a problem of mine. Maybe it’s our nature, our animal instinct to be forever searching for what might make life a little bit better… and then better… and then better again.
A couple of years ago I was sitting with a small group of girls at an adventure summit. One of them, who had recently been on a number of mountain expeditions, was recounting being angry because they hadn’t been picked up on the mountain by helicopter. Reflecting on her lack of gratitude, she shook her head a couple times, a sad smile on her pretty face, and said, “I mean, when did I get so used to helicopter’s?”
We get used to many miraculous things. Helicopters, high speed internet, and Airbus 330’s. We get used to our jobs. The one’s we wanted soooooo bad to get into all those years ago. The one’s we were willing to sacrifice everything for. What was once our dream, is now what we dream of leaving.
What did you used to love, that you’ve now lost appreciation for?
When I’ve lived in places where I’m surrounded by friends, I’ve complained about not having enough “me” time. When I’ve lived in new places, I’ve complained about feeling alone. In California I complain that I don’t have my family. With my family, I complain that I don’t have my friends.
In the mountains I complain that there’s no ocean. At the ocean, I complain that I can only surf. When it’s hot, there’s no snow. And when there’s snow… it’s too cold.
Each town, person, or situation have the qualities that make them awesome, and the qualities that make them shit. And there is no way around that. Yet, all my life, I’ve been trying to get around the un-get-around-able.
Sitting on the deck the other night I realised what I’ve been doing. I thought of a bowl of salted caramel ice-cream. Of how delicious and creamy it is, and it’s delightful taste of sugar. That bowl of ice cream also contains the possibility of a tummy ache, or weight gain. If I’m present, and grateful, I love it anyway, even with its negative aspects.
Yet, if I were being my get around the un-get-around-able self, I’d be trying to take the deliciousness of ice-cream and match it with the nutritional value of the brussel sprout. It’d be great wouldn’t it? But I simply can’t.
All my life, I’ve wanted the best bits. And I’ve been chasing my tail all over the f*#king place to get them. Trying to have as much of the best bits as I can.
How are you chasing the best bits?
I’ve had this awakening before, but there’s always been convenient ways to ignore it. Yet when I landed in California, I felt it again. I was missing my little Stanwell Park town, cups of tea with my bestie Rachael, daily phone calls with my Mum, and walks to the coffee shop with Bobo.
But guess what? Bobo is gone.
So is my town, and for the moment, so are daily chats with Mum and Rach.
And of course, it’s perfectly ok to be sad, to miss them, and to grieve.
But it’s not ok to do it at the expense of being fully present to what is here, in front of me, right now.
Maybe, gratitude is the only path we ever need to take.
It’s the path I keep forgetting about, over and over again. Yet, when I find it, it’s a path of presence and thankfulness, a path where every day is perfection.
In retrospect, every day has been perfection, even the ones that hurt, the one’s that felt like suffering and loss.
But the real loss, the real suffering in this short life, is to miss the beauty in each moment…
What moments are you missing?
What are you grateful for right now?
Wherever you are in the world,
I hope you’re happy,
Lots of love,
Kate
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