In early September, shortly after I arrived in California, I visited my friend Melissa for 3 days in Santa Cruz. At the time, I was still practicing my long time habit of sitting in meditation for thirty minutes every day.
After Melissa had taken her son Nash off to school, I sat with my cup of tea, and placed my attention into the present. I felt a spaciousness in my mind, an ease of presence, and lightness through my body. My mind was centred and still. With that came the great pleasure of calm, clarity and oneness.
I loved every minute of it.
Now, as I write this piece, over six weeks later, I have something different to report. This morning, I set my timer for thirty minutes and sat to meditate (for the first time in five days), and…
I pretty much thought about random stuff the whole time.
I looked at my phone timer twice.
I wanted to get up about three times.
And I spent at least the second half of the sit writing this blog post in my head (instead of focussing on my breath).
It didn’t feel so pleasant. And can you guess how I’m feeling about sitting in meditation tomorrow?
Yeahhhhhhh……(Maybe I’ll just go get a coffee instead?)
Right now, meditation feels difficult. You know what’s cool about that? It has reminded me how hard it can be to establish and maintain a daily practice, when you’re out of practice.
This reminder has me super inspired to share with you my best tips on how we can all get on the shaggin’ wagon of peacefulness.
So, what went wrong?
Ok, so everything was easeful and pleasant, and now it’s not, so you might be wondering what went wrong.
First of all, let’s take the word “wrong” out of it, and instead, let’s simply explore the concept that all things arise out of causes and conditions.
For example: I ask you to drop down and give me ten push-ups. If you have been going to the gym every day for the last ten years, you will find this experience rather pleasant. You may feel energised, proud, and strong. But it’s not really because you are an amazing human being. Rather, it’s because the causes and conditions exist for you to make light work of a push-up.
Over the last six weeks, the causes and conditions that affect my meditation experience have changed. I have not been sitting every day. Instead, I’ve been waking up to drink coffee with friends, to play with kids who call me Aunty Kate, and to go on camping adventures or catch a sunrise surf.
This is not wrong. Nor is it a big deal. It simply means that I decided I wanted to enjoy this time with my friends, so I put meditation aside for a while. Now, when I sit, my mind isn’t clear and settled. It’s busy. And I experience this as not very pleasant.
This doesn’t mean I am a bad human being. It simply means that the causes and conditions currently exist for me to have a wild, scattered, and thought-filled mind. That kind of mind doesn’t want to sit still for thirty minutes. That kind of mind wants to go out and create stuff and party on. This leads me to tip #1
TIP # 1
Meditation is not BETTER when it is calm and still, nor is it WORSE when it’s scattered and wild. All attempts to sit and bring your attention into the present are wholesome and therefore a great “success”. It is our judgement of the experience that makes it feel better or worse, and therefore experienced as pleasant or unpleasant. If you want to sit everyday, you’ll have to learn to let go of judgement, and learn to sit with what feels unpleasant.
Ok, so I hope you can see that there’s no point in judging your wild mind. Just like it wouldn’t make any sense to be mad at yourself for struggling through ten (or two) push-ups, if that’s not something you’ve spent years doing. When I was 25 years old and in the fire academy, I could do fifty consecutive push-ups. Now I can’t. Whatever.
Right now, my mind is a little unfit. Maybe it’s even got a spare tyre. All that extra weight and sleepiness mean the “push-up’s” just got a little harder. The question is, how fit is your mind? And are you willing to give it a work out?
As humans, we are wired to do what feels good. Not only is this backed up by modern neuroscience, this was also the first teaching of Gautama Buddha when he became enlightened over 2500 years ago. I’m summarising: but the teaching was that all of human suffering or dissatisfaction is caused by clinging to the pleasant, or pushing away the unpleasant.
This leads me to tip # 2
Tip # 2
JUST SIT, no matter if it feels good or not. If you haven’t been meditating, it’s probably not going to feel good. You might want to get up. You might want to look at your phone. You may believe you’re failing. But, if you sit there, then you are achieving great success. You are learning to remain, even when something feels uncomfortable. You are teaching yourself to stay committed, even when you’re bored.
This is far more important than it sounds. If you take a closer look at your life, you might see that most of your problems are in your inability to accept the unpleasant, to drift away when something is neutral (i.e. boring) or to incessant clinging to what feels good. As we practice working with this in meditation, we are practicing for life.
Ok, so now you’re sitting, and your unfit mind is sagging through the middle and huffing dramatically. Perhaps you’re trying something simple like staying with the breath, and after one breath in, and one breath out, you’re already dreaming of the weekend you had with Tommy’s six pack… or that vacation you planned… and should you take the surfboard or rent one when you get there…?
…and sh#t…
…Wasn’t I supposed to be aware of my breath?
This is a crucial moment for your ongoing success, which brings me to tip #3
Tip #3
When you realise you’ve been lost in thought: CELEBRATE! And then bring your attention back to your breath, (soundtrack, music, guidance or other object of meditation)
Let me ask you, what is your normal reaction when you first realise that you weren’t being aware?
That’s right, you berate yourself don’t you? You think something like, “Aw man, I was supposed to focusing on my breath. I’m terrible at this. I should get up and make a cup of tea”.
Have you ever had one of those friends or family members that when you call them they say something like, “Oh nice of you to call, it’s been sooooooo long since we talked, gee I do wish you’d call me more”? And you feel all guilty and ashamed, and then maybe angry and defensive, and you sure as heck aren’t going to be calling them again anytime soon.
That’s what you just did to yourself.
The moment that you realise you’ve been drifting away, is the moment that your attention has returned. You are now aware. So CELEBRATE that awareness like it’s your greatest friend. Be that super cool guy that just loves to hear from you! The one you always want to call because you love and accept you no matter what.
This is essentially a way to make your inner space more pleasant. As we said earlier, we’re wired for that. We can also make our outer space more pleasant, which leads me to tip #4
Tip #4
Make your meditation space as pleasant and supportive as you can, at least in the beginning. This may include: creating a special spot in your home that is comfortable and quiet. Asking your family to honour the time by being quiet. Find a group to join. Buy a meditation cushion. Sit in a chair. Lie down. Stand up. (In other words, find any position that works for you). Listen to guidance, or play music.
All of these are ways that you can help yourself create a meaningful and fun routine. My favourite trick is to take a cup of tea with me to sit. I centre myself by being fully present to the experience of the tea as I drink: feeling its warmth, smelling its odour, tasting its sweetness. Then, I put it aside and go on to focusing on my breath, or on awareness itself.
Ok, so now you’ve made everything nice and fluffy. You have a pleasant inner world, and a pleasant outer world. You’ve given yourself the best shot possible.
Now, it’s time to crack the whip a little, to be your own parent. And what would a good parent do?
Tip #5
Be firm, but kind. Like a bad-ass parent, you don’t take your own sh#t. But, you also give as much love and compassion as you can to your growing self. You’re not going to allow temper tantrums, or laziness, are you Mum? Nope, you’re here to help yourself become the very best self you can be. So, you’ve sat down, told yourself to do your homework, and no one is getting up until it’s done. Make sense?
Over time, if you’re consistent, disciplined and kind, you’ll have a fit mind. Once you’ve felt what it’s like to be fit, you’ll have a hard time ever letting yourself get sloppy, lazy or overweight again. In this way, sitting down to meditate will become something you want to do, because you don’t feel right without it.
You’ll just sit anyway, even when it’s hard, because you know the fruit of the labor. Right now, even though it feels hard, I simply sit, and chill, and wait for that lightness of mind to return. I know it will.
But there’s one more thing I want to leave you with, and it’s an extra special thing. In fact, it’s a life changing thing. The single most influential part of my life… cue tip #6
Tip #6
Go on a silent Insight meditation retreat.
I do not say this lightly. If there is one absolutely key tip that I could ever give you to completely inspire your life, it would be to go on retreat.
There is nothing else that will show you who you really are, and what you are capable of than that.
You will learn of the pure love inside of you: the clarity, the intuition. You will discover the immense peace that resides in stillness, and the remarkable sound that exists in silence.
Once you find that, I promise, you’ll never struggle to meditate again.
Wherever you are in the world,
I hope you are allowing whatever is to be.
Love,
Kate
P.S. If you’d like to get a head start on Tip #6, there are many silent meditation retreats happening all over the world. If you are in the States I recommend Spirit Rock Meditation Center. In Australia I recommend Sydney Insight or Insight Australia.
