When I was in my early 20’s I was not a likeable creature. I was negative, prone to complaining and often forceful, and could have been described as bitchy, loud, aggressive, and judgmental. I fought with my romantic partners, talked way more than I listened, and was quick to anger. I found it difficult to make friends and felt that new-interests kept their distance.
On the outside, life was good- a vibrant mix of parties and outdoor adventures, but still I was never quite satisfied. No matter whether it was my job, my boyfriend, my friends or the place I lived in, there was always something wrong. I judged (self and other) constantly and felt like I dragged a suitcase of negativity along with me everywhere.
Newly single at 26 I started to question myself. Why wasn’t I already happy? Why was nothing ever good enough? Then, I stumbled (magically) upon the Buddha’s wisdom, in the form of a book. The words in that book opened my mind to a new possibility. They spoke directly to that sense of dissatisfaction I felt. When I first began to meditate I could only sit for 5 minutes. Any longer and my body began to crawl with agitation and every muscle and joint screamed at me to move. I persisted through. Five minutes become seven became ten.
Within a year I sat my first silent retreat. My body ached and my mind screamed at me to get up. I would glance around the meditation hall and wonder how everyone appeared to be so serene and still. I would close my eyes, grit my teeth and beg myself to hold on until the time was up. However difficult it was, my heart rejoiced each time I listened to the teachings. I continued to sit retreat and soon my mind settled to states I never knew possible. My heart found love it didn’t know existed. I felt joy unlike any happiness the pleasure of the world can bring.
But it was a difficult mess too. Great sadness and troubles arose and hateful words to myself plagued me. I had always assumed that I was a confident person with good self esteem. But when meditation allowed me to see and to hear the inner world, to listen to that voice inside, I discovered I was both terribly afraid of my inadequacies and relentlessly demanding of how I thought I should be.
Everything we heal within ourselves we heal outside of ourselves too, and as my practice became one of nourishing that harsh inner world, my outer world began to heal too. With new stability of mind I could see into the driving force of all I do- at times from past hurt and pain, at times from the need to be loved or seen, and at times from overwhelming fear. I saw that I (and thus all beings) are driven from these same unconscious patterns and desires. The qualities of bitchiness, judgment and anger slowly dissolved.
After some time I began to see that I had a beautiful heart and kind soul. More importantly, I began to fully understand that this was true for all beings: underneath the difficult qualities that had manifest- judgement, violence, betrayal- we all have the same beautiful heart and kind soul.
Seeing clearly into what motivates us cultivated compassion, tolerance and forgiveness. I could see that everyone and everything is deeply interwoven and connected, that nothing is random or independent. That what we do matters more than we could ever know.
Now, I am vibrant and friendly. I care deeply and know how to listen a little bit more. But this is not a change that “I” can truly own- rather this is the Buddha nature that exists within us all shining forth. If you think that I am kind or good, then you are not quite right- that is the Dhamma (the truth) that you see- and you can only see it because it exists within yourself.
Before I began practicing the Dhamma, you would have seen my old habits, traumas and pains shining through- and that is an illusion. Our daily experience has us believing that the qualities we express say something about who “we” are. They don’t. They speak only to our experience- of our parents and what they taught us, their parents and those before them too. They speak of the traumas we carry, the untruths we believe to be true, and the way that we have constructed walls around our heart to fend against feeling the pain of it all.
Looking from afar, you might be tricked into the illusion that others are better, worse, smarter or more or less inspiring than you. Don’t buy in. They are simply reflecting their life experiences and those are dependant on external circumstances. The Dhamma can shine its way through all of us, if we let it. Beneath the layers of defensiveness and fear you’ve built around your heart is a vibrant, inspiring, ridiculously brilliant you- and it’s the same you that is inside of me.
The path is there for any who is willing to take it. It is possible to slowly chip away at the fetters that keep you bound to pain. To open your heart to vulnerability, to forgiveness, kindness, compassion and wisdom, which are your true nature.
Will you come with me on this journey? I would love to show you the way.
Join my Meditation Mastery Course Series to let your inner Buddha shine too.
