Two weekends ago I went to the Feather River Festival in Northern California. It is a two day event for the kayaking community that takes place in the deep river canyon of the North Fork Feather River.
Every year, hundreds of boaters (as whitewater kayakers are known) flock in to the festival to run laps on the different sections. Some take a leisurely paddle through open class three runs. Some opt for good clean fun on the narrower class four. Most insist on firing it up through the boulder strewn, tight and steep class five section.
No matter the class, kayakers always paddle together as a crew. Because of it’s inherent dangers, whitewater kayaking is a team sport, each group rallying together to scout, hop eddies, or take turns probing unknown sections. We rely upon one another to give good instruction, to cheer each other on when we execute a move, or to rescue those who miss their line.
When we’re not paddling, we’re lying by the rivers edge, soaking in the sun or letting the river’s background music soothe our minds. The granite grounds us, and the beers we hold enhance the chill vibe we’re already feeling. There isn’t an ounce of service: no phones or lap tops or social media. Our heads are up, our eyes looking out toward nature or each other.
We’re together. A community. Laughing, talking, sharing stories.
This is not an anti-social media post. If it weren’t for social media, you wouldn’t be reading this right now. I wouldn’t be running my online business and living a location free digital nomad life. I am super grateful for my online community, but what I am suggesting is that nothing replaces good old fashioned face-to-face community. And we shouldn’t forget that.
To be completely vulnerable, I have experienced my fair share of isolation and loneliness over the last few years. And I don’t think I am alone in having felt this…
Yet, have you noticed that being lonely is something to be ashamed of? I mean, how many times have you asked someone how they’re doing and had them answer, “Actually, I’m feeling lonely today, want to keep me company?”. Far more likely is that we’ll say we’re great, then suffer in silence. Put on the TV for company and maybe cry ourselves to sleep. Or if we are brave enough to reach out, we may feel ashamed and weak.
But, the truth is: humans, are wired to be together.
We never would have survived as a race without one another. And that’s easy to see on the river, where to brave a class five canyon on your own would be truly life threatening. Not to mention who would you smile at and pump your fist to when you nailed another killer boof?*
We all just want to be loved, right? We want to be surrounded, accepted, and adored. Some of us want a million friends, while others just want a close few. But none of us really want to be completely alone. The question is, why do we end up alone?
What gets in the way?
Over the weekend, I felt completely soaked in community. There were so many familiar faces and I caught up on years of conversation. I looked on as people smiled, and watched them chat and stand close.
I wondered if they took it for granted, like I had always done before I left. Or if they had known, like I did, what it was like to be without community. What it was like to be isolated and alone. I found myself feeling insanely grateful for my experience of isolation. In the same way food tastes better when you’ve been hungry. Or how good a mere one hundred dollars feels in your pocket when your felt the constriction of being broke.
Have you noticed, being alone is “trendy”…
…and having solo can be truly wonderful. I love my own company and I’m insanely self sufficient. I have no difficulty navigating the world by myself, paddling out on my own, or practicing yoga in a quiet solo spot.
But, being comfortable with aloneness is now considered a more congratulatory personality trait than being lonely. Almost as if the ability to be independent is considered more spiritual or more evolved.
Yet I’m starting to think that’s just a bunch of egoic crap. A nice story we told ourselves that we can hide behind, when we’re really too afraid of rejection, or compromise, or the other myriad of difficulties that come from being in relationship. Perhaps the true spiritual journey is in learning to be together?
I’d like to suggest that independence is one of the greatest myths of our time. Nothing happens alone. In truth, we are intricately and unavoidable interdependent. Think about it: you can’t even eat an apple without a thousand hands upon it. The human who sold it to you, the human who stocked it in the store, the human who drove the delivery van, the hands that built the truck, the hands that tilled the soil, watered the tree, bought the land, and all who birthed those hands.
I know that I’ve gravitated toward being alone for the simple fact that it is “easier”. Alone, I don’t have to compromise, change my plans, navigate another’s mood, or meet anybody else’s needs. Alone, I can be on my own time schedule, feel at peace, and do whatever the hell I want.
The question is, what price tag is placed upon that peace and ease? What does it cost?
Last weekend, I watched how my river crew inspired one another, how we faced our fears together, how we communicated and navigated our way down each rapid. At night, when we danced together, we synergised each others joy. We celebrated, played, and connected. We lived. By the end of the weekend, I could see that the value of community is priceless.
I ask you now, in what ways do you feel isolated, alone or without community?
Maybe you’re one of the lucky ones, like I am here in California. Maybe you have everything you need…
But if you’re reading this and completely understanding that you are not fulfilled, that you are not surrounded in the way that you wish, then I ask you, in what ways are you not willing to work to receive the gifts of community?
Maybe, you’re afraid that you will be rejected if you put yourself out there. Are you telling yourself stories like you’re too old to go out? Have you considered how you’re too set in your ways to tolerate others needs, schedules or unique mannerisms? Do you lack the energy to throw get togethers, call friends, or be the one to organise meet ups? Are you waiting for people to come to you?
Are you afraid, like I sometimes am, that people don’t want to be with you?
Guess what, everyone else is lonely too. So get out there! You’d be doing them a favour. Instead of blazing your trail alone, find a crew that will fist pump with you.
I have a challenge for you this week.
Can you, will you, choose one thing from the list below and give it a go?
+orgainse a social outing with a group of people, without worrying how many people will show.
+invite someone you don’t know super well out for a coffee or dinner
+pick something you usually do alone and ask someone to join (hike, surf, farmers market, art class, whatever)
+join a meet-up group, book club or other group activity in your area.
+ask a romantic interest on a date
I would LOVE to hear how you go, so pop a comment below or send me an email!
Wherever you are in the world, I hope you’re in community,
Love,
Kate
