Over the last two months of running my very successful Heal & Reset retreats, I noticed something really interesting.
Three of my retreats took place at Still Earth in a rural area of South Australia. Most of those guest didn’t meditate, do yoga, or go to such events. This was a contrast to Heal & Reset in Sydney, where most were yoga regulars, some with a very strong practice.
I’m sharing this post with you today to explain one very key point about stress (that has helped me SO much on my journey)…
It’s not personal
At each retreat I asked the guests how they experience stress in their body. Most commonly described were:
+jaw clenching and aching teeth
+upset or burning tummy
+chest tightness and shallow breath
+shoulder and neck tension
Only a rare few described not having any form of physical symptoms. And, as you can read about in my anxiety story, only a few years ago, I would have been one of those few. I experienced my adult onset anxiety as physical tension: mostly intense jaw-clenching and shallow breath.
The time since ending my paramedic career has been an amazing journey. I’ve learned many things, but there’s something I really really want to share with you about stress, anxiety and tension…
…it’s not personal!
Let me explain what I mean…
Why We Feel Anxiety
Our human body is an animal, and comes complete with the essentials: a brain, spinal cord and highly functioning nervous system.
Like all animals, our nervous system is pre-programmed to guide us toward that which will bring us the longest, safest and most pleasant life possible. And guide us away from whatever may shorten, danger, or disrupt that life.
At the deepest level, almost everything we do is designed to meet the basic needs of our animalistic body, or what’s known as the limbic brain. The animal in us is constantly striving to feel safe. If we don’t feel safe, we feel anxiety.
Our limbic brain plays a huge part in how we choose careers. Maybe we even choose ones that make us miserable, but we stay in them because they pay well, so we feel safe. It plays out in how we choose to stay with partners and friends to avoid the worst case scenario of isolation. It drives us to strive to look beautiful, or to try to be perfect, so we can socially fit in.
But as a human, we have a little more complications than the average animal. And why?
Because of the way we think.
Human vs Zebra
As a human, we have a consciousness. This blesses us with the ability to witness the life that we are living, and to contemplate and analyse our existence. We can evaluate our performance, we can relive memories of the past, and we can dream up all kinds of wonderful (or scary) futures.
In other words, we make something that isn’t personal, personal…
We can do all kinds of silly things with our nicely developed pre-frontal cortex, like continue stress well beyond its actual occurrence. Many of our animal friends, or so modern science tells us, don’t do this.
A classic example is the zebra at the water hole. She’s having a lovely afternoon with her smart looking stripy pack. Feeling a little thirsty, she lowers her head toward the muddy surface for a drink. Up pops a massive crocodile and misses her jugular vein by a mere millimetre. She narrowly escapes death. What does she do? She shakes it off, and moves on.
Her body reacted to a stressor and began the physical stress loop. When she didn’t die, she shook it off and closed the stress loop.
What Do We Do?
What does a human do when they face a stressor? Using the zebra example, we would most likely use our mind to replay that incident again many times thought our lives. We’d have so many scary thoughts about that moment that we can’t go to any water hole’s anymore without a psychology appointment and 10mg of Xanax.
Maybe, we’d create a whole story about that evil croc, who wronged us with his terrible attitude and how unfair it is that he gets to go around eating Zebras, who are the good guys dammit. We might create fantasies in our mind about what it would have been like to die and leave our bestie zebra and mama zebra behind (cue sadness).
The key here is that we humans can perpetuate stress with thinking. Each time we have a thought about the future or past, the stress loop keeps going. We’re not just stressed in the moment by the event at hand, we’re stressed in our minds with our thoughts of past and future.
And guess what? Our bodies don’t know the difference between the real threat and our fearful thoughts, so the sympathetic nervous system is activated by them both. (Not sure about the sympathetic nervous system? Check out “How the Nervous System Works” and then come back and keep reading).
What is the antidote?
For me, the antidote for thought related stress is to get out of my mind and into my body. You see, the body is only ever in the present. Let’s say that again…
The body can only ever exist in the present.
Your mind can be in the past (remembering) or in the future (fantasising or planning) but your body is only ever here, now. This is why mindfulness of the breath and body lead to liberation, because each moment that you know your body, you have rescued your mind from elsewhere are placed it in the now. You are fully awake.
When the mind lives in the mind, it is not awake to life. It is so important to remember that your thoughts about a situation can and do cause a continued stress response in your body. You need to be like the Zebra and get out of your head. I’ll explain how to do that more fully in a moment, but first I want to say this…
I don’t want you getting the idea that thinking is bad, or that this beautifully magnificent (and miraculous) pre-frontal cortex is bad. As humans, we have been gifted something incredible. The ability to remember and relive trauma is a brilliant and effective tool to prevent us from going back to war, from staying in horrible situations, or from perpetuating violence.
So, thinking itself isn’t inherently bad. It’s what we do with it, and how we can at times learn to distance ourselves from it, that matters. To train your mind to take a break from the incessant thought stream is one of the most life changing things you can do. Over ten years of Buddhist meditation I have come to love the peacefulness that exists between my thoughts. When I am fully present, my physical tension drops away. I honestly can’t imagine where I’d be now without it.
I’m currently building a Mindfulness & Buddhist Psychology Course for beginners… if you want to stay informed, pop your email in the sign-up form at then end of this post.
Two ways to be like the Zebra
You may not have 10 years of experience up your sleeve but that’s ok: I’ll explain the simplest and most effective ways to be like a Zebra. It’s actually really easy to do, but there’s some bad news too. The busier and more stressed you feel, the harder it is to stop and do this.
Here are two of the simplest ways to drop out of the mind and into the body, and stop that pesky loop in its tracks. If you want more, I gave a whole list in last weeks post How the Nervous System Works
Grounding through the five senses
You can do this exercise while sitting, standing or walking slowly. Create a comfortable place for yourself where you won’t be disturbed and set your timer for 3-5 minutes. Then…
Take a few big juicy conscious breaths and close your eyes, and set an intention to be fully present.
Then, place your attention on your sense of touch. What parts of you are touching something, or what are you touching? What do you feel there? Pressure? Warmth? Just notice, without trying to label anything or tell stories about them.
Notice that you may be able to feel your breath as parts of your body move.
After a few breaths, turn your attention to sounds you can hear. Instead of labelling the sound or telling stories about what you hear, simply notice the sound. If your mind wanders, that’s ok, just keep bringing it back to sound.
Then on to smell. Are there any scents you can sense? And if not, simply notice that there aren’t any smells. Be fully present, no need to label or tell stories.
Then on to taste, you can roll your tongue around in your mouth, looking for anything subtle or noticeable.
Then, you can gently blink open your eyes and look down at the palm of your hand. Notice what you see here… colours, shapes, transparency? Try not to label parts but just notice what is there.
With eyes open or closed move your attention once again to the sense of touch. Can you feel the ground beneath your feet? Is there warmth or pressure against your skin, your body? Can you notice parts of you that move as you breathe?
You can keep rotating through the five sense as many times as you like until your timer goes off. This can be a very pleasant thing to do while walking, or also for a full 30 minutes in seated meditation.
It is also super helpful to do during a busy workday or even while in the middle of a conversation. The natural response to presence is a sense of peacefulness.
Relaxing Key Parts of the Body
This one works best while still, so find a comfortable seat on the floor or in a chair or set yourself up lying down. Set your timer for 3-5 mintues.
Close your eyes and take a few big conscious breaths. Then, working head to toe, you will take your attention to each of the key parts of the body.
Jaw/tongue
Shoulders
Chest
Belly
Hands
To begin, take your attention to the jaw, and at first, simply notice, without trying to change anything, is it relaxed or tight? Just notice while you take a couple of breaths. Then, offer an invitation to the jaw to relax. Often it works well to take a breath in, drinking in your intention for relaxation, then relax on the breath out. Stay for a few breaths until you feel ready to move on.
Repeat for each of the key parts, or add your own in. Then cycle through as many times as you like or until your timer sounds. Again, this can be done as many times as you like. This practice is amazing when done stealthily in the middle of a busy day, at work, or on a bus, car, train etc.
Both of these practices take you out of your incessant thinking and place you in the present, where your natural tendency is to relax and restore. There are many other techniques that we go over in the retreat, but these are the ones you can do anytime, anywhere.
What next?
I had such an incredible response to the Heal & Reset workshop that I created online program that puts it all together: understanding the body, the nervous system, and stress. The course uses guided meditations, breath work, relaxation exercises, and yin yoga to soothe and balance the body.
Sign up for Heal & Reset the online course now. You can also join the FREE 5-Day Chill Out Challenge.
Did you read my whole story, Resigning From Anxiety?
Want to know more about How the Nervous System Works?
