Why Thinking About “YOU” Might be Limiting Your Joy

Two weeks ago, I stood in my kitchen listening to Tony Robbins while I whipped up a batch of pineapple fried rice. The video was Tony’s 5 rules of relationships and I was surprised (and inspired) to hear that first and most important rule is:

Your partner’s needs always come first. 

“Always,” Tony had said, in that deep raspy voice of his, “it’s not negotiable”.

It seems counter intuitive that happiness should arise from putting someone else needs first. Isn’t the new age yoga hype all about doing what “I” love? Finding that thing that brings “me” the most bliss and doing that? The world is ripe with messages of self-satisfaction, independence and becoming some-ONE big.

Teamwork, cooperation, and compromise aren’t sexy words these days, and yet Tony Robbins is considered one of the most powerful and sought after new-age guru’s.

The Buddha, one of the oldest guru’s we know, would definitely have agreed with Tony. Among the many lessons taught in Buddhism, the teaching of Dana, or generosity, always comes first. It comes before achieving high states of meditation, before concentration, and most definitely before enlightenment.

If you read last weeks blog, and the one before, you might know that I haven’t been killing it in the life-is-super-awesome category. I’ve been a bit of a Debby-Downer; feeling like it was a rough 2017,  and I’ve been ready for some things to shift. After the depressing nature of my last two blogs, I swore I would have something super positive to dish out this week.

Ironically, last week turned out even shitter than the two before it. For most of the week I felt sure I’d have nothing good to say, and I was mad: Im trying to keep a f**king blog here, I was yelling into the heavens, can you cut me a f**king break? 

Wednesday night was when things came crashing down. I’ll spare the details because this is, after all, a public blog, and I cherish and respect the persons involved: But lets just say that something difficult  happened, shortly after 7pm, and it sucked.

When bad stuff happens, I go to sleep. Its like I say, “Subconscious, heal this” and then I check out. It’s a pretty handy coping strategy unless of course, you have a life to live, and things to do, jobs to attend or children to look after. But if you’re lucky enough to be a writer yogi bum it can work out ok. After I got the news, I did my thing and went to bed early and slept all night.

Then I had to get up and do Thursday, which is the day of the week that I teach five classes of yoga.

I dragged myself up, wondering how I was going to get through the day. As I led my 6am class through my planned sequence, I watched them flow. I felt them breathe. I breathed with them (adding a lot more open mouth exhales than usual- hey I needed them!).

By Savasana, it seemed like they felt amazing. I realised, that while I was teaching, I felt amazing too.

I made it through my next class, then slept all day, getting up in time to teach my 3 evening classes As the students filed in I tapped into that source that knows it has something to give, and I felt alive again.

What was this? I could barely hold my eyes open, and yet, I could teach.

During those three evening classes the most remarkable thing happened, one of my students picked up that I was having a hard day and came back to bring me flowers. Another student took Bobo for a walk and then brought me dinner, complete with fresh fruit and a Cadbury egg. Another student stayed late to listen and chat. Over the rest of this week, I have had countless friends give their generosity and support, through chats, cooking dinner, watching movies, and getting me out into the surf.

Yesterday, I ran my Yin and Yoga Nidra workshop. Halfway through, I looked around at a room full of relaxed faces: soft mouths and closed eyes. It looked like bliss, and I felt immensely at peace. Through the rest of the day I felt intermittent moments of deep joy. I felt connected and supported, and I felt grateful.

Why would I feel this way in a week more suited to sadness and tears?

Because I had been giving to others, and they had been giving to me. 

I’ve been uplifted by teaching because in that space, it isn’t about me: it’s about them.

There is connection in each act of service, and that you cannot find alone. There are tears in one set of eyes while the other’s hands hold flowers. There is the compassion that we feel in one heart as it meets the suffering in another.

It makes me wonder: Perhaps there is a point in of our lives when we must move beyond ourselves. Where we discover that we are healed enough to devote ourselves to service. Not to heal anyone else. No, the only person we need to heal is ourselves, but for the simple act of connection and generosity.

Maybe that’s what Tony means, that as our highest, best selves, we understand that a lasting, healthy and fulfilling life is one in which “I” does not reign supreme, rather we acknowledge and live within a world of compromise, support, connection and service.

Perhaps, in the end, this is the very thing that will finish our healing. 

I sat in the ocean yesterday and turned 360 degrees on my board, taking in the blue of the ocean, the green in the escarpment, and all of the smiling people in between.  There is so much to be grateful for, and yet I feel like I have been disconnected from that.

I want to do something to bring more connection and service to my life. I also want to tap back into gratitude (a practice I used to do religiously) and to do this I need your support.

I am setting up a free 7-day Gratitude Challenge, and I want you to join me. I want you to invite everyone you know so we can all do this together.

Each day you will receive and email from me with a video and an exercise. There will be some science, some whys, some hows, and some stories. And each day, before we go to sleep, we will journal what we are grateful for. I’ll make a facebook group so we can post these things if we feel like sharing, and create a whole community of fist-pumping-grateful-A-F-rockstars.

We can all serve each other to feel that little bit better, every day, for a week. 

Stay tuned for details on when it will begin and how to sign up. For now, sign up for my email list if you haven’t already or send me an email that says.. I want to be grateful A-F.

In the meantime… go find someone to do something nice for…and f**king do it. 

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