Can We Forgive Them?

Sitting at my kitchen table, hair still wet from this morning’s brisk swim in the Southern Ocean, I am writing the manual for my next online course, The Limitless Heart. The topic of today’s chapter is forgiveness. This feels poignant, after lying awake last night contemplating some actions that feel unforgivable. 

I trust, that as I did, you have lain awake many nights with these wonderings yourself. Can I, can we, forgive them? And perhaps, more importantly, why should we? In our anger, steeped in the rage of injustice, we are likely to convince ourselves that they are not deserving of our forgiveness, our kindness or our love. And yet, when thoughts like that plague us, we are confused. We are delusional and un-seeing of the way to liberation. We have forgotten the truth of what gladdens the heart and brings lasting peace to our minds. 

Holding on to anger prevents the quality of metta, or lovingkindness, from arising in our hearts.  Metta is the Pali word (the language of the Buddha) for benevolence or gentle friendliness. It is the quality of befriending that fills our life with goodness and guards us from the many faces of suffering: depression, anxiety, fear, worry, anger and hate.

When someone hurts us, we might think that we can never forgive that person for the wrongs they have committed, and that they are not worthy of our forgiveness. But, we misunderstand. We do not let go of our anger for them, we do it for ourselves. The Buddha said it clearly, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of harming another; you end up getting burned.”

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of harming another; you end up getting burned.”

When we understand forgiveness properly, we see that it is a gift for us, and has nothing to do with the other. We forgive so that we can let go and be happy, unburdened by our anger. We let-go so that our heart can return to, and rest in, the state of lovingkindness. Continued aversion, anger and hatred plagues our mind with the unrealistic wish that others could have been better than they were. Yet we cannot change others, and we cannot change the past. What we can change, is how we feel and respond.

Students I work with usually resist forgiveness because of two simple misunderstandings: that to forgive means they have to forgive the act; and, that forgiveness means you have to keep your relationship with the person. It is not the ACT that is forgivable. When a man or woman rapes or kills child, we can never, and should never condone that act. Such violence and atrocities of the world are truly unforgivable. 

It is the PERSON that we forgive. We look deeply into their humanity and understand that he or she is a student of life, doing the best they can. They may have been raped, beaten and bruised as a child, and their abusers before them. They were doing the very best they could with the hand that they were dealt, even if it doesn’t seem so to us.  

At first, this may be difficult to grasp or believe, but as we begin to work formally with forgiveness practice, we slowly feel their truth. As you let go of the coal that you’re trying to throw, in the deluded idea that you could somehow punish them through your anger (the very anger that burns you), you will feel the joyful release of your burdens.

Also, we can still forgive someone and keep our boundaries in tact. For example, you may decide that a particular relationship is no longer supportive in your life. The person has demonstrated multiple breaches of your boundaries: such as lying, abuse, or other kinds of hurtful or harmful behaviour. You may actively forgive this person each and every day, keeping lovingkindness and compassion in your heart, and also end the physical friendship.

Forgiveness does not come to us by accident. It is a quality that must be cultivated and developed. To do so is to open our hearts to lovingkindness and to fill our lives with contentment and peace. If you have found yourself thinking, “Why should I forgive them when they do not deserve it?”, then you are asking the wrong question. The most important inquiry you could ever make is, “how would my life change if I let this go?”. You are the one who deserves the forgiveness. You are the one who has the opportunity to be happy. 

In my time as a teacher I have seen this as one of the most difficult concepts my student’s grapple with. At times, they even fight me on it! Yet every one of them is transformed when they touch the practice. 

To formally engage in a Forgiveness Practice, I use the following phrases: 

Person… For the ways that you have harmed me, knowingly or unknowingly, through thought, word, or action, I forgive you. For you are a student of life, doing the best you can, and I recognise your humanity.

Person…. For the ways that I have harmed you, knowingly or unknowingly, through thought, word, or action, please forgive me. For I am a student of life, doing the best I can, and I recognise my humanity.

For the ways that I have harmed myself, knowingly or unknowingly, through thought, word, or action, I forgive myself. For I am a student of life, doing the best I can, and I recognise my humanity. 

The Practice 

To practice, find a quiet place to sit. Focus on the breath for a minute or so to ground and centre yourself.  In the beginning, it will be difficult to remember the phrases so it’s best to have them written down. It will feel weird and clunky for a while, but soon you will remember them easily and it will start to flow. 

I recommend committing to a time you can do this every single day, for example 5 minutes a day at the end of the day, for a period of ____ weeks/months. Consistency over time is what creates transformation. 

Start with easy things, like the barista who messed up your coffee last week, or the guy that cut you off on the freeway today. Like any new thing, don’t start with the hardest thing first. Get the muscle developed before going after your parents! (Seriously, this is important!) 

Limitless Heart is a 6 week course on the Brahma Viharas: the four qualities of lovingkindness, compassion, joy and equanimity. The Buddha taught that these are the qualities that an awakened heart rests in, and that to intentionally cultivate them is a path in and of itself. 

This is a gorgeous course, one I hope you will join me for, to do our part to add more love, more kindness, more joy and more balance to a wild and unpredictable world.