I’m a real person, and sometimes I suck

This is a post about me stealing. Or not stealing. Or almost stealing. I’m not super proud of the incident and I will warn you: my Mum told me DEFINITELY NOT to write this post. Against her impeccable advice I’m going to do it. So here it is, the story of my kleptomania. 

It’s not often you get to cook in Bali but I decided I was going to do it. Alas, after grocery shopping I discovered there was no salt in my villa. You should know that I won’t eat food unless it is slathered in salt. It’s like I make food just so I can eat salt. You should also know that I eat chicken and fish and sometimes Bolognese sauce with beef in it (even though I “don’t eat beef”) and when I’m in Australia I often sneak through KFC drive through and I absolutely LOVE IT! (And yes I get extra salt on my large-as-hell chips.)

So I’m in a tizzy about the no-salt-but-I-want-to-cook situation. To make the best of things I decide on going out to eat so I can swipe a couple of those salt sachets they usually have in restaurants, then I can cook tomorrow. I jump on my scooter and drive way too fast down the road. (You should also know there’s nothing I love more than reckless driving). After screeching to a wild halt in front of a popular cafe called Sukha I seat myself on the busy patio. 

As I wait for my meal I pull out my phone because I am alone and I feel awkward and I do that thing I’m always telling my students you shouldn’t do and I scroll the internet. I could sit there and be mindful, as is the intention I have for my best self. I could feel the seat beneath me and the wind on my skin and I could smile at strangers but instead I sit on my phone. 

I’m not sure why, maybe it’s because for the last week I’ve been glued to the f’king thing for no good reason I can think of. I’ve broken all my own rules and stayed on it late at night and checked it first thing in the morning: even though I tell everyone that I never check it before I’ve done my morning tea and meditation ritual. Which is usually true but not always true, so saying never is a lie. I also say I never lie but clearly, taking what I’ve just told you into consideration, that is also a lie. 

As I scroll through my phone I notice that the salt is not in a sachet but rather in an adorable small jar that looks like this picture: 

It occurs to me that this salt jar is in fact the absolute perfect size to take home with me. I get so into this delicious fantasy of salt removal that I begin to move the salt around the table. I’m wondering where the least noticeable place is from which I could swipe it into my bag when I leave. I decide upon putting it next to my phone and my journal (because I was going to do some mindful journaling) and I carefully place the salt right there in preparation for the theft. 

My food arrives and I eat it without noticing, and as usual, way too fast. This is something else you should know: I teach people how to eat mindfully yet it is something I am largely incapable of doing myself unless I am on a meditation retreat or make a rare conscious decision to do so (and even then its one of the most painful experiences of my life).

Somewhere towards the end of my meal (maybe it’s because I’ve finally put my phone away) a little burst of awareness kicks in. I catch myself thinking about whether the servers are paying enough attention to notice the impending salt heist and I think: wait a minute: WTF Kate? You’re going to take this salt? Really? 

My higher self kicks up a real good show at this point. It reminds me that just this very morning I wrote a vow-taking ceremony for my Citta Retreat guests to do on opening day. One of those vows was based on the Buddhist precept of not stealing: and how taking what is not freely offered leads to suffering. 

And OH BOY did I feel like a fraud. 

With this new information I was in a real pickle. You see, I still wanted to steal that salt but now I had a conscience to contend with. I watched one part of my mind make all the justifications for how it totally wasn’t a big deal. And the other arguing that in fact it was. What about the next guests to sit down and order food and need the salt that’s not there? And the server that has to take time out her busy day to find another salt? In the end the most important point arose in my mind as simple as could be, that salt was not mine for the taking. I left empty handed and totally annoyed at having to stop at a store for salt. 

I found a small market and bought a bag of salt for 3000 Indonesian Rupees, which is the equivalent of 30 cents. 

So. There it is. My point is that sometimes I totally suck. I’m a buddhist yogi who eats meat and supports chain restaurants when I’m too hungry to say no. I forget my reusable bags and use plastic. I fly around the world on jet planes which makes my carbon footprint worse than almost anyones. I drive way too fast for someone who scraped dead bodies off the highway for all those years. I get scared when I meet people and I talk about myself too much and forget to listen (it’s cos I want people to like me). I teach things I don’t do (even though I’m trying, I promise, I’m always trying) and I say things that aren’t true even though honesty is my highest, most important value. 

I’m so lazy that I’d rather steal salt than have to go buy salt.

And this is exactly what makes me human. Just like you. 

Even though my Mum thinks I’m crazy I’m sharing this story because I am on a mission to prove my own imperfections. You see, when I recently made that post about climbing Uluru there were quite a few people that weren’t happy about it. They let me know how shocked, sad and disappointed they were in me. 

In me.

I’m making an assumption here but what I think happened is that these people (none of which I knew very well) had an expectation of me that I had never intended to live up to. They thought, “She’s a good (spiritual, awake, conscious, insert your idea of me here) person and she wouldn’t do that”. I’m guessing this is true because I know how I have revered teachers and mentors in the past and then gotten to know them and realised, OH MY GAWD they’re just people!

It recently occurred to me that there’s a danger when “followers” or clients have an idea of you that isn’t real. Not dangerous for them but for me. Because what if I become dependant on the high esteem of others? Then I would be tempted to feel good because some people think I’m awesome, and that’s a trap. That’s praise. What happens when I inevitably tell a truth that they don’t like, and they decide I suck? Then I will be tempted to feel disappointment. That’s blame. Praise and blame are two sides of one coin and we (I) must remember that neither really matter. 

Even so, it’s better that I share with you who I really am. It’s better that you understand I’m just like you. Better that we are honest with ourselves and with each other. Can we be true? Can we be real? Not everyone is going to like us, and that’s okay. How about we just be exactly as we are and let others decide if that’s enough for them? 

Wherever you are in the world, I hope you’re okay with me. 

And if you’re not, that’s okay too (cos either way I love ya). 

Love, 

Kate 

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