My mother grew up in a very Catholic family. She was one of ten children and only five years old when my grandfather died suddenly of a heart attack. Their mother, my Nanna, raised them the best way she knew how- with the strong ethics and values the Church and with faith in a loving Christian God.
I went to Catholic school for all thirteen years of my education. Unfortunately, although I always loved the quiet and reflective nature of mass, there was one influential moment when I was seven years old that caused my heart to leave the church. We were sitting at the end of a long wooden pew when mother didn’t go up, as per usual, to receive Holy Communion. When I asked her why, she told me, “Divorce is a sin in the eyes of the church”.
Having freshly watched my mother suffer through an affair and subsequent separation, I could not make sense that she had sinned. I felt, even then, that she should have been wrapped up in the arms of our supposed benevolent God and bathed in compassion. I may have been only a child, yet I felt with conviction that this could not be right, and the church would not be my path.
Many years later I came across Buddhist wisdom and knew with equal conviction that I had found my way. I learned of the precepts: to refrain from harming, stealing, speaking un-wisely, misusing sexuality or clouding the mind with intoxicants. While bearing similarities to the Christian Commandments, they are understood in a radically different way. In Buddhism, the precepts are trainings.
There is no sinning, no right or wrong. Instead we train, using mindfulness, to aspire to the precepts. We intend, with all our hearts, to speak kindly and truthfully. When we do not, we use mindfulness to notice- what happened there? Why did I tell that lie? What led to that harshness? What could I change next time to be more kind? We do not waste time in judgment, shaming, or wrong-making.
This way of using the precepts as training requires the flexibility of forgiveness. We simply try again, wrapping ourselves in acceptance and love, and patiently paving the way forward. Recently, a prominent teacher in the Yoga Community was caught engaging in unethical behaviour. He is married, yet had a brief affair (consensually) with a student. This teacher has built a huge following and has one of the most successful training schools worldwide. He openly apologised with a heartfelt email to all of his followers. Since the incident I have witnessed many of these students and followers react with shock, anger, and righteousness.
While in no way do I condone this behaviour, I am also not surprised by it. This teacher is, after all, a human being- just like you and I. While each and every one of us may set our intentions high, we will inevitably, at times, not live up to those expectations. When this happens, our most important reaction is to look into this shortcoming with mindfulness and to learn- what happened here? What greed, hatred or delusion caught us off guard?
When we learn to do this with ourselves we grow rapidly. Wisdom and compassion are the most natural outcomes of deep inquiry. This also means that when someone in our life does not live up to the standards we hope, we can be forgiving with them too. We do not need to succumb to shock, anger or righteousness, all of which are unhelpful emotions. What if we could surround this teacher, his family, and the woman involved in our compassion and forgiveness? What if we could do that with ourselves too?
Forgiveness does not condone the act (we don’t have to be okay with infidelity, abuse, lying, cheating or stealing) but we can (and should, for our own peacefulness and joy) learn to forgive the human. We are each here, doing the very best we can with the circumstances and beliefs that we have. We can even walk away if we like, but we don’t need to be angry or righteous to do that.
This teacher made a mistake. Can you guarantee you will never make one too? Can you know, for certain, that you wouldn’t succumb to the powerful forces of desire, or fear? We call ourselves yogis- yet if forgiveness is not part of our reaction to this event, then we have not understood the teachings of yoga. We can wear the mala beads, do the poses, sit in meditation for hours and talk in soft voices, yet if we cannot be compassionate then I dare say we are wasting our time.
As an older woman, I now understand that my experience as a child did not represent the fullness of the Christian teachings. These too are steeped in patience, forgiveness, compassion and love. It is just that often, as humans, we misunderstand or get confused. The way forward is not to judge and condemn. It is to look deeply, see clearly into how we fell into the trap, and waste as little time as possible getting out again. We waste the least time when we wrap ourselves, and everyone else, in kindness.
Be forgiving.
Be kind.
Let it go.
Namaste.
