I want to start this piece with two questions.
Do you love and accept yourself completely as you are?
Do you trust that others do the same?
You see, awakening happens in layers, one old skin shedding at a time. It was winter of 2008 when I stood atop a hill at the Spirit Rock Retreat centre and proclaimed unconditional self-love. The morning was so cold that each exhale was a stream of white clouds form my mouth. The intense California sun illuminating the defrosting silver grass.
As I stood there, 5 days into a silent meditation retreat on metta (lovingkindess) I had the image of being both divine Mother Mary, and an innocent newborn child. I rocked myself gently as the awakening arrived: The universe loves me completely as I am.Meditation had shown me that I had a terrible relationship with myself. At that moment I vowed that I would be like the universe, and love.
This was my first awakening to self acceptance, and over the last decade, my love for me has grown. I can say now, truly, that I deeply love the woman that I am. At times, I even cry with the tenderness I feel for my own sweet innocent self.
Something is still missing
And yet, for years, there has been a piece missing. Even though I love and appreciate myself, I have somehow decided that others don’t, can’t or won’t see me as I am. Somewhere along the line of my life, most likely through a series of childhood defining moments, I learned these two powerful limiting beliefs:
People don’t like me
No one can see who I am (I have to show them)
Recently, the next awakening arrived, in the form of a spontaneous outing with the gorgeous Nikki Ayers. Nikki is a Sydney coach, yogi and light-worker, and friend of mine. As we drove to Bondi for our yoga event I shared with Nikki my darkest secret: how could I continue to be an inspiring yogi, writer, coach and social media influencer when I was experiencing so much darkness, struggle and loss?
“ I don’t feel positive,” I said, as I cried into my hands.
Nikki pulled one massive piece out of everything I was saying: I wasn’t embracing who I am. “Share your struggle,” she said, “don’t put a positive spin on it: just be who you are”.
The next layer sheds
That night, I felt exhausted. I lay in bed and watched Nikki’s video’s on IG, as she talked about her own flaws and issues, openly, and without apology. Feeling, I closed my eyes to explore her magnetism. Then, like that moment standing on the frosty hill, another layer peeled off.
All of a sudden, I became acutely aware of the quality of thoughts in my mind: the ones that cracked the whip of good behaviour. Say something positive (no one likes a downer): don’t cry about Bobo (you’ve gotta be more spiritual and unattached): put some makeup on (be prettier so they’ll like you).
Ugh. What a waste of a life.
Here’s the truth…
I’m highly emotional. I often feel really negative and sad about the world; I have a pesky habit of over-analysing and wallowing in existential crisis; I can’t stand taking the time to put makeup on (it washes off when I surf anyway). I LOVE to cry about my dog Bobo.
That day I spent with Nikki was November 16th, exactly 6 months after Bobo, my most beloved companion died. To me, that’s no coincidence. I see him somewhere on the rainbow bridge pulling heavenly strings to bring me that valuable awakening. Bobo gave me a new sense of purpose, a new message to send to the world. This new message is simple:
Don’t ever be ashamed of who you are. Or, what you feel.
It might be the most difficult thing to master: yet I’m finally understanding what it means to live an unapologetic life. To write, speak and act in a way that feels true to my soul.
To drop into child’s pose in the middle of a power vinyasa class, because it’s the right thing for my body. To say something completely dark and vulnerable if that’s what I’m feeling, and leaving off the positive spin that I think will help you judge me less.
To tell people no, I don’t want to do that, without believing that they’ll stop loving me. To cry when I feel like crying, without explaining myself. To get on my phone and post Insta stories, because it’s vital to my business.
To rock my makeup-less self.
How about you?
I hope that you are inspired by these words. That you’re asking yourself: in what ways do I try to be other than I am, in order to be loved and accepted?
Can we do this together? Watch our minds intently: our inner spotlights illuminated to detect sneaky thoughts like “Oh I shouldn’t say that, or, perhaps I’ll wear this; or, I’m going to do this chataranga pose even though it hurts my injured shoulder, because if I don’t, what will everyone think of me?”
F#*k what everyone thinks of you.
There’s really only one task at hand: to know exactly who you are in each moment: and then to be THAT.
Wherever you are in the world,
I hope you’re being YOU,
Love,
Kate
