If you’d please excuse my questionable language, I want to talk about the biggest cock-blocker to success: self sabotage due to fear. There are various types of fear that hold us back. There is fear of failure, fear of success, fear of responsibility, or fear of the unknown.
I’ve done some mulling over of the trendy fear of success idea, but for me, I don’t think it’s the kicker. You see, I’ve recently come to understand something big: I have always secretly wanted (like a baby wants a binky) to be super successful.
In the dark, I dream of being Tony Robbins successful, speaking to large crowds and inspiring millions. I watch Marie Forleo and conjure up fantasies of being that put-together. I read Tim Ferris and think, I want to write this book. (Oh my gosh, am I really saying this out loud?)
Realistically, I know I’m not going to be Tony Robbins famous (mostly because I don’t really want to work that hard- I love my post-surf-session hammock naps). But if there was a genie, and she could grant me a wish, I’d be really famous, really influential, and really wealthy.
But here’s the problem
Over the last few weeks, I’ve been watching myself repeatedly procrastinate on creating my online course. I’ve got a million excellent excuses and distractions. I’m hanging with friends, I don’t have my own space, I should wait until I buy that better camera… blah blah blah…
I keep setting aside time in my day to work, but I use that time to do other (easier) things instead. Like planning a trip to Thailand in January, or booking accomodation in North Carolina for my friend’s wedding, or getting sucked into the vortex of working on my website.
I pretty much do anything other than what I sat down to do.
I know exactly what my course material is. I’ve even planned it out. I recieved a hundred-plus comments on a Facebook post about my two courses. People want the damn anxiety course, they’ve literally told me. Now I just need to buy my camera, video the sessions, load them on a platform, and it’s a go.
So… why am I not doing it?
You know the answer, don’t you?
I’m shit scared.
What if the feedback is terrible?
What if no one buys it?
What if I put in all that time and effort and it’s a total flop?
What if I never become successful?
Logically, there is waaaaay more evidence leading toward it being great, than being shit.
But I cant seem to help myself…
I’m procrastinating. I’m self sabotaging. Because not doing it at all is less risky than falling on my face.
I am filling my time doing all the parts of my business that aren’t a failure risk. Like blogging, writing, and social media.
I’m staying safe, staying away from finishing products, from launching, from paid advertising, or from selling.
All the stuff that could be measured, and therefore measured as a failure.
I’m curious, have you felt this kind of procrastination too?
I bet, that if you’re still reading, there are little boxes being ticked in your mind. There is recognition that perhaps there are things you aren’t doing because, really, you’re just scared.
I’m not trying to call you out….
I’m just saying…
Are you cock-blocking your own best self?
The funny thing is, I’ve coached clients about self sabotage before. I may have even gotten a little preachy about it, because I never thought I was the one doing it. Now that I’ve seen clearly that I’m a procrastinating self-saboteur, I’m going to have to do something about it.
I’m not super stoked about being a hypocrite, yet here I am, telling you to stop cock-blocking yourself whilst being utterly blocked. This is my sneaky plan though, you see…
I’m hoping that by sharing this with you I might drink in my own good advice.
First, I’m going to offer my insight on why we fear failure, and why we then sabotage to avoid it. At the end, I’ll offer some creative ways to overcome these two monsters.
Then, I’m going to go right ahead and walk my own talk.
Take a deep breath (that’s what I’m doing)….Ya ready?
Why We Fear Failure
When we were little children, other kids made fun of us when we didn’t do something right. The playground could be cruel, and we took it all in without the perception of our adult mind.
When I was four, a girl with black-haired braids punched me square in the belly. She was swinging on the monkey bars with one arm while she sang softly to herself. I walked over and asked her, “Can I play with you?” She promptly released her arm, squared her feet and drove one clenched fist into my stomach. She knocked the breath out of me, and with it, my enthusiastic attempt to put myself out there.
It’s a small memory, but the wounds run deep, and it resurfaces all the time. My little human brain processed the rejection and filed it away as an experience to never be repeated again. These kinds of wounds teach us, from a young age, that it’s best not to put yourself out there unless you know for sure it’s going to work out.
As grown women, we technically know that it’s ok to take a risk. We mostly know that we have what it takes to run great events, create meaningful programs and facilitate transformational retreats. Yet, we still have all these little girls inside of us that sustained deep wounds, and these tender places can still run the show.
As a result, we may resist getting ourselves out there, inviting people to our coaching page, or offering up our new online course. We make excuses as to why we won’t ask for signups to our mailing list, or invite everyone we know to our book launch.
What if no one signs up. What if no one comes?
Putting yourself out there is terrifying. But if we listen to the voice of fear, then guess what: we’ll do exactly what we were so afraid of in the first place, we’ll fail. Not inviting anyone to your book launch will actually result in no one coming.
So what do we do?
I was trying to be clever when I wrote the first draft for this blog post. I spent a good chunk of time coming up with six creative ways to get past fear and end your self-sabotaging ways. They were all nicely typed up and they fit perfectly into the trendy formula for a modern day internet article. (Are you impressed with me?)
Then, in one fell swoop, I deleted all but one. The rest were just a bunch of fluffy frills. Affirmations, vision board creation, developing courage, organisation. They were valuable and helpful tips, sure, and I thought you’d like them…
But in the end, I only left one.
Because there’s only one real way to conquer your fear.
Take Action.
I leave you today with one exercise.
I want you to sit down, and think about that one thing you’ve been meaning to do, or have always wanted to do, or has been on your list. Or is your secret dream.
Write it down.
Then, figure out one super simple thing you could do in the next hour that helps achieve this goal. (Can you google something? Can you make a list?)
Then, come up with another thing you could do by the end of today.
And then tomorrow.
Then three things by the end of this week.
By the end of the month…..
You get it right? Keep taking steps toward your dream. If you keep planning, keep moving, keep taking one step in front of the other, then your fear has no ground on which to rest. Your fear will still be there, but it can’t catch you.
Just keep taking action. That’s what I’m going to do.
Wherever you are in the world,
I hope you’re feeling brave,
Love,
Kate
